Sometimes I have what I’ve come to describe as “trauma dreams.” Dreams that cause me to relive aspects of my most difficult experiences & experience all of the painful emotions again. They usually deal with aspects of Lydia’s birth or heart surgeries. They’re always very real & debilitating. I wake up the next morning emotionally exhausted, unable to move.
Last night I had such a dream. It’s still vivid & the emotions are still painful, hours later. It took me awhile to get out of bed, & when I did, I stumbled to the kitchen where I took my medication, then sat in a spot of sunlight in the middle of the floor to eat my chocolate cake for breakfast. #mature
Just a couple bites into this emotion-purging ritual, Lydia came over. My bubbly 3 yr old is often happy to see me in the morning, but rarely stays in one place for more than 3 seconds—ever. Today, she investigated the situation, laid claim to the lid for my takeout, and trotted off. So much the better; more cake. But then she was back. And she was climbing into my lap. And not just casually giving me a hug, but wrapping her arms around my neck & her monkey legs tightly around my body. She was there to hug.
Again, I expected her to flit away as she does, & my heart was too heavy & hurting to think more of it than, “Yes Sweetie, good morning. That’s nice.” But still, she stayed. When gravity naturally caused her to relax her grip, she reconfigured & climbed me, again. Wrapped me up in her squirmy-3-yr-old bear hug.
Ok, this was getting more profound. But then my sweet daughter floored me by using her few words to articulate her understanding & empathy in a way she never has, before: “Sad. Sad. Sorry, sorry, sorry.” 😭😭😭
She continued to insist on this wiggly, wild monkey hug for nearly 10 minutes. Never has she initiated or illustrated understanding like this before. I felt myself respond—choose to respond. To acknowledge the trauma of our past, & view it as the gateway/catalyst for unimaginable love. I let that love replace my pain.
This is the magic of Lydia & her ongoing gift to me: to acknowledge the deepest pains & struggles of reality, and then to watch them become swallowed up in love. 💛
