She is always beautiful, but today she is exceptionally beautiful.
As she ran into my room this morning & jabbered at my bedside.
As she grabbed my arm during breakfast & laid her head on it.
As I combed her strawberry hair into braids.
As she called “Bye! Love you!” as she always does every time she shuts a door in the house.
Even when she shut the cat in the pantry this morning 😆
So exquisitely beautiful I can hardly take it in.
The tears fall.
It’s been a rough week. Next week gets tougher. My mind recalls the lyrics of a religious song I can’t remember save one whispering line, “How much can one heart take?”
My most divine gift, this animated work of joy, returns to the hospital next week. For she who is so close to God is paradoxically critically mortal.
She has 3 months left.
My darling, PERFECT, vivacious girl. Without intervention, could not be. The reality of it shocks me still.
During her first heart surgery, when she was just five months old, things went wrong. It was more complicated than expected. We drew the 3% odds—her heart’s electrical system was disrupted requiring a 2nd surgery & a pacemaker.
We almost lost her multiple times during that hospital stay. I cannot revisit those memories without severe psychological & physical distress. They have shadowed me these last weeks.
Because time has run out. Pacemakers are like clocks; they don’t run forever. And since they gave her one I have been counting—counting. Counting & praying & begging for more time.
But here we are, and the thing must be faced. My demons must be stilled so the clock can start again. And I will give ANYTHING for the miracle of the continued ticking of that clock.
My beautiful, beautiful girl.
Pray it goes smoothly. It should. It’s not open heart (device only; not leads). Don’t come see me in the waiting room because my PTSD can’t handle it. 🙏🏻 Just pray. 💗
These are the moments that put life in perspective. It’s why she was sent to me—her greatest gift. My beautiful, greatest gift.
Will keep you updated.
#misslydiefaith #lydiesheart
