I counted up the months, today. It’s been 8 full months that we have been in strict quarantine as a whole family. 1 year for Lydia, and her 3rd winter. It’s starting to show 😆 I mean, it was always showing, but I find myself again evaluating what we are doing and the pros/cons. Local numbers are the highest they have been and our hospitals are at capacity. Dan works at a hospital, and employees have been burned out for months. In fact, nurses are now flying in from New York to back us up. 🙏🏻 Our state finally—FINALLY—instituted a state-wide mask order (because elections are over now of course 🙄), but we are all wondering if it’s too little, too late. The local medical community has been screaming for action in the local papers, and I feel so much for them. It’s all a mess—as you all know. Our situation is not unique.
I am starting to see new needs surface for all my children (and myself) and we are trying to shift weight around to address them. This is all to say...
We are fine. But so tired. I drag myself out of bed in the mornings knowing it’s one more day of juggling all. the. things. By myself. It has become woefully obvious that I am not enough 😆😐 This is not a plea for help or pity. It’s not meant to be ungrateful for all the incredible people who have done various services for us. It’s just meant as a statement of fact—to say it & get it out of my system. This is hard, and I wonder sometimes how long it will take to recover. From the missed therapy and dr appointments, the structure & social elements of in-person school, the missed extended family memories, the extreme lack of stillness and constant tax on my personal reserves. Last night Dan and I took an imaginary vacation in our minds, and I couldn’t help thinking—sounds amazing, but is reality ever, ever, ever going to offer us such respite, again?
I ran into a friend in the Target parking lot the other day (!!!) and it was like a Christmas gift from the universe. One that fills your heart and at the same time leaves you with longing—“Remember when this was normal and readily available?”
Remember?
It’s weird to be alone, but never alone. To live with so many restrictions and still yearn for peace and a break/chance to catch my breath. To be engaged in a marathon that has been going for years, now, and to wonder if maybe this is just the way it is and I should figure it out how to live this way.
Honestly—honestly—I am just getting it out. Taking a deep sigh to acknowledge the hard before leaning into God, refocusing, and trying again, another day. 💛 #am_covidchronicles
