Music is powerful. I'm sure everyone can relate to listening to a certain song that takes them back to a specific time in their lives. Sometimes, during the last two months, when I couldn't find words to express my feelings, they came as song lyrics; a perpetual playlist running through my head expressing my doubts and fears, my hopes and motivations. As any mom with a newborn, I don't have a lot of time (or energy, or consciousness... hah) for deep thinking. My playlist is only 17 min long, which I can squeeze in pretty perfectly on my "I gotta get out of the house" runs to Target/Walmart every other day or so. So here are four of the songs that have been on repeat in my car and in my heart lately, and what they mean to me. I've included links to all the music if you'd like to hear them, yourself.
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This song comes from The Giver, which is one of my favorite movies. The movie celebrates living life with all its highs and lows. For those moments when responsibility weighs heavily on my shoulders, when everybody says "You're so strong" and I feel anything but, for when I need to remember that all the emotions and experiences are a gift, and for when I need to allow myself to be imperfect instead of a superhero, this is the song that plays.
Today I took a walk in the clouds
Today I took a walk in the clouds
Used to keep my eyes wide shut
But now I'm staring down
Today I felt a switch in my vein
Today I felt a switch in my vein
Used to be a shadow
Now a shadow scream my name
And in the daylight I could swear
We’re the same
I’m just an ordinary human
(Ordinary ways)
I’m just an ordinary human
But I don’t feel so ordinary today
"Ordinary Human" - OneRepublic
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This one is my denial/how can we change the world song. For the moments when it doesn't seem fair. When I wonder how this happened and what we're going to do about it. For when I wish that things had gone another way, but it's out of my control. And then for when I resolve that no matter what the reality is, no matter what stereotypes are out there, we're going to embrace it, succeed, and prove them all wrong.
What if we rewrite the stars?
Say you were made to be mine
Nothing could keep us apart
You'd be the one I was meant to find
It's up to you, and it's up to me
No one can say what we get to be
So why don't we rewrite the stars?
Maybe the world could be ours
Tonight
You think it's easy
You think I don't want to run to you
But there are mountains
And there are doors that we can't walk through
I know you're wondering why
Because we're able to be
Just you and me
Within these walls
But when we go outside
You're going to wake up and see that it was hopeless after all
No one can rewrite the stars
How can you say you'll be mine?
Everything keeps us apart
And I'm not the one you were meant to find
It's not up to you
It's not up to me
When everyone tells us what we can be
How can we rewrite the stars?
Say that the world can be ours
Tonight
All I want is to fly with you
All I want is to fall with you
So just give me all of you
It feels impossible (it's not impossible)
Is it impossible?
Say that it's possible
How do we rewrite the stars?
Say you were made to be mine?
Nothing can keep us apart
'Cause you are the one I was meant to find
It's up to you
And it's up to me
No one can say what we get to be
And why don't we rewrite the stars?
Changing the world to be ours
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This song. I first heard it just after my first son was born, and I bawled my eyes out. Because, motherhood. It's always been emotional, but now it's even more significant. It was written to honor a little boy who passed away from cancer--co-written by his mom. For when I'm tired of the hospitals, the doctors appointments, the tests, and the machines. For when I can't think anymore about upcoming surgeries or how much life is asking my baby to go through. When I just want pick her up, snap the cords, and run away. This is it.
I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I remember your little laugh
Race cars on the kitchen floor, plastic dinosaurs
I love you to the moon and back
I remember your blue eyes looking into mine
Like we had our own secret club
I remember you dancing before bed time
Then jumping on me, waking me up
I can still feel you hold my hand, little man
And even the moment I knew
You fought it hard like an army guy
Remember I leaned in and whispered to you
Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years
I remember the drive home
When the blind hope turned to crying and screaming "Why?"
Flowers pile up in the worst way, no one knows what to say
About a beautiful boy who died
And it's about to be Halloween
You could be anything you wanted if you were still here
I remember the last day when I kissed your face
And whispered in your ear
Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room in this hospital grey, we'll just disappear
Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years
What if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you?
What if I kept the hand-me-downs you won't grow into?
And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through?
What if the miracle was even getting one moment with you?
Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here
Come on baby with me, we're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years
I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I love you to the moon and back
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And finally, the last one. For when I acknowledge that yeah, it's hard, but it I wouldn't change a thing. Because you are beautiful. You are beautiful just the way you are and our life with you is going to be wonderful. And maybe it's not what I planned it would be, and maybe I'll feel like I could fall 1000 feet at any second, but I'd still choose you again and again and again, and while we're up here on this crazy tightrope we're going to hold on tight to each other and enjoy the view.
Some people long for a life that is simple and planned
Tied with a ribbon
Some people won't sail the sea 'cause they're safer on land
To follow what's written
But I'd follow you to the great unknown
Off to a world we call our own
Hand in my hand and we promised to never let go
We're walking the tightrope
High in the sky
We can see the whole world down below
We're walking the tightrope
Never sure, never know how far we could fall
But it's all an adventure
That comes with a breathtaking view
Walking the tightrope
With you, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
With you, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
With you
Mountains and valleys, and all that will come in between
Desert and ocean
You pulled me in and together we're lost in a dream
Always in motion
So I risk it all just to be with you
And I risk it all for this life we choose
Hand in my hand and you promised to never let go
We're walking the tightrope
High in the sky
We can see the whole world down below
We're walking the tightrope
Never sure, will you catch me if I should fall?
Well, it's all an adventure
That comes with a breathtaking view
Walking the tightrope
With you